Chocolate
by ChristmasBelle
Summary: Who doesn't love vampires, Hershey's, and a flabbergasted Charlie? Read on. ;


All her life, Bella had been searching for THE ONE. That guy, all dressed to the nines, a bouquet of roses in his manicured right hand, and a gilded box of German chocolates in his right. That day, she believed all that was a load of Red Bull.

Bella was putting away clothes in her room when Edward had appeared on her windowsill, a single rose between his teeth, and chocolate syrup drizzled all over his naked chest. Bella simply continued to count plaid shirts and fold them.

"Bella?" Edward rumbled. "My queen? Is it too soon for me to be practically nude at this time of the day? Perhaps, full frontal would suit you?"

"God, Edward." Bella whirled around to face him. "Just because you saved my life two freaking times DOES NOT mean I'm your little harlot! So why don't you go rip off a cashmere sweater for somebody else, and drizzle melted chocolate down their throat!"

"But Alice said no," Edward whispered sadly.

"Edward, if you promise to stop being such an ass, then I'll buy you another sweater. But this time, no Armani." Bella put away the last of the shirts, and began making her bed.

"But whyyyyyyyyyyyy?" Edward whined.

"Because even though to _you_ money is like those pennies I always find on the sidewalk, to me, it's a gift."

"But it's _my _money, Bella. And I like those sweaters." Edward slid off the frame and laid his head against the wall below it.

"I am so done with this conversation, Edward. Just face facts: Jacob is a better dresser, and he doesn't flaunt his penis all over my room."

Edward stood up at the mention of Jacob, and hit his head on the windowsill. "DAMN IT, BELLA, WHY IS THIS WINDOW ALWAYS OPEN?"

Bella picked up the empty laundry basket on her bed headed towards the door. "You can't feel pain, remember?"

Edward stared at her and then said, "Oh. It's just been, you know, hard getting adjusted."

Bella turned to him. "You've been here for _how _long, Edward?"

Edward squinted in concentration. "Ooo, this is a hard one. Let me think…"

Bella began to go downstairs and she heard Edward shout, "I GOT IT!"

Edward raced down after Bella, a little calculator in his hands.

"Edward, what the Hell were you doing in my backpack?" Bella yelled.

Edward was breathless with excitement- quite literally. "Bella, see this little button here? It's called "an intersection", right?"

"That's the plus sign, Edward."

"Yeah! Like on those vans I steal blood from!" Edward had a big, dopey grin on his face, and his eyes were shining.

Bella just shook her head. "Get that crap cleaned off your chest before Jake gets here. Here's a washcloth." She handed him one from the kitchen counter.

"Ha, it looks like those skirts Alice bought yesterday." He held it up against his crotch. "Whoooo, look at me. I'm Alice, whooooooo."

There was a knock at the door, and Bella looked at it in alarm. "Please don't embarrass me, Edward." She took the washcloth from him and wiped the chocolate off, and went to answer the door.

"Is it…the scary man?" Edward whispered.

"No, Edward, Charlie's at work right now. Maybe you should get a job, too, instead of pestering me all the time."

"I'm not a pester," Edward grumbled.

Bella cracked open the door, and Jacob stood there, his hands in his pockets. He went to hug Bella, and then noticed Edward. He smirked.

"So, Sparky isn't home with the other ones, huh?"

"This isn't really Edward," Bella whispered. "You know that- it's one of those fans who moved to Forks and won't stop bothering me."

"Wait till Edward gets a load of this. He's going to be pissed, Bells." Jacob looked over at Edward, who was making his fingers walk along the top of the couch.

"Hey, Bella, look! It's running!"

Suddenly, the real Edward barged in through the door, which was still open.

"What's going on here, Bella?" he hissed.

"Nothing." Bella sat down on the couch, and Jacob sat in one of the armchairs. Edward just stood there, staring at what appeared to be a bad haircut half-naked.

"Who are you?" Edward asked the stranger.

"I'm Edward," he said happily. "And I found the plus sign today," he added proudly.

Edward stalked towards him, and looked him up and down. "He's insane," he whispered.

"I know," said Edward, grinning. "These tight pants make me look pretty crazy. Crazy _awesome_!"

At about the time the poser Edward was checking out his butt in the foyer mirror, Alice pulled up to the front of the house.

"It's Alice," said Bella, and Jake rolled his eyes.

"Can't they just leave you alone for a few seconds?" He crossed his arms in disapproval.

Alice waltzed in. "Hey Edward, Bella!" she said brightly. Her gaze turned to Jake, who raised his eyebrows challengingly.

"You forgot to take the dog back outside, Bella." Alice tossed her silk riding scarf behind her shoulder.

"How original. I thought you were over addressing me like I'm a mongrel?"

"You are one. Wolves are simply ancestors of-"Alice!" Bella cut in. "I need your help."

Edward had been staring at Alice for quite some time, his eyes large.

She noticed the imposter. "Another one? Bella, you seem to be quite the catch. I'll handle this." She walked over to him, and took his hands.

"So, are we up for our little removal-of-clothes this afternoon, Alice of Cullen?" He reached up and touched her face.

She drew back, disgusted.

Jacob laughed. "Looks like he's got the hots for you, Alice of Cullen."

Edward pulled something out from his pants pocket (it was a wonder anything could fit in there).

"I've got the syrup," he whispered suggestively.

The real Edward looked flabbergasted. "But that was my idea! You got that at K-mart, didn't you?"

"On clearance," Edward said, as if it was some secret worth keeping. "And it's…Hershey's."

They all gasped.

Two Hours Later

Bella lay back on the couch, chocolate sticking all over her body, and both Edwards were sleeping in each other's arms. Alice was feeding Jacob chocolate strawberries, and he licked it from where it had hardened on her face.

The front door opened, and Charlie walked in, and nearly had an aneurysm. "What the Hell is going on in here?" he asked angrily, looking at the Edwards, who had woken up and were busily making out.

Bella held up the bottle of syrup. "Chocolate?"


End file.
